Learning to Celebrate Elderhood

Publisher’s Note
Today is the second monthly column with new alliance partner Kalon Women. Each month, BB[KC] will feature an expert associated with Kalon Women, who will provide helpful advice to Baby Boomer women on a range of important topics. Look for the column on the fourth Monday of every month. ─Martin Diano, Publisher


Learning to Celebrate Elderhood
by Natalie Tucker Miller
Special to BB[KC]

Too often, much of what is being communicated by our elderly parents and friends is overlooked or dismissed. Many a chasm has been created in relationships because someone fails to understand another, and this later phase of life is no exception.

Having spent time coaching nurses in nursing homes, I've had the opportunity to interact with the residents of these homes who are in the latter stages of their earthly existence. What I've discovered has surprised and delighted me, as well as assisted me in navigating this unfamiliar terrain within my own family.

Although most of us are aware that cognitive ability and memory undergo drastic changes as we age, we appear to be at a loss as to how to communicate during this vital time. Further observation reveals that we have a very difficult time accepting that our elderly relatives or friends are not "who they used to be". Since this can be said of anyone at any developmental phase of life (does that 10 year old resemble the 5 year old they once were?), it stands to reason that educating oneself on these developmental changes would alleviate much frustration for all involved.

Here are some things to remember when conversing with an elder:
Reminding them of what you've already told them, which they've forgotten, will not help them to remember. Instead, it can be frustrating and hurtful. It is not within their control. Even if you recognize this as a tactic they may have used when they were younger, short term memory loss is REAL and no amount of cajoling will change that.

Try this approach: Act as if it's the first time you've told them. Go along with it. There's no point in beating the proverbial dead horse.

If it's an area that truly concerns you, it's time to look at solutions for safety. For instance, a friend of mine told me of an incident where her mother took her car to the dealership for repair. When my friend called the dealership where her mother said the car was, they had no record of her ever bringing the car in. Through a series of back tracking, my friend discovered that the car had been towed to garage across the street from the bank her mother had visited that morning. This was an indication that something needs to change in the mother's environment.

Firmly asserting the obvious danger in this event won't make a difference. Her mother will not retain this information, and in the process quite possibly feel admonished and diminished.
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Now, let's suppose that you have some real issue with not pointing out their "mistake". It's time for you to ask yourself some questions, to determine why letting this be is hard for you.
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Questions to consider:
• What are you hoping to express by drawing attention to a memory issue?
• Is this a habitual way of interacting that you can reframe?
• Are you responding to the situation or reacting?
• Is your reaction emanating from the present situation, or from the past?
• How can you address your need to be heard when dealing with someone incapable of retaining information?

And here's a news flash: Just because aging brains are changing does not mean its all downhill. Studies by psychologists from McMaster University in Ontario, Canada have determined that older people appear to be better and faster at grasping the big picture than their younger counterparts. Instead of viewing aging as something to be avoided, it's helpful to recognize that each stage has its benefits. Admittedly, our culture does not promote aging as the wonderful, natural process that it is, so it's no surprise that we have come to dread this time of life.

However, let me leave you with a challenge. The next time you are spending time with an aging acquaintance, look for the beauty that is there. Marvel at the shape the body has taken, the sparkle the eyes might display, the uninhibited mindset and the vast knowledge housed in the intellect. Though it may be disseminated differently than you are accustomed to, honor this phase of life as you do all others. There's magic everywhere if we choose to see it.
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About Natalie Tucker Miller
Natalie is Founder, Publisher and Coach at Ageless-Sages.com publishing, Picture Books for Elders™, Natalie Tucker Miller, IAC-CC has been working with families to gain a greater understanding and appreciation for themselves and one another since 1989. Through teaching self acceptance and awareness, Natalie’s clients find great success in all areas of their lives: relationships, career, service to others and extreme self-care.

In addition to being an advocate for coaching mastery and certification through serving at the International Association of Coaching, a coach certification organization, Natalie is the Dean of Students and instructor at the School of Coaching Mastery.

Her former career as an early education teacher and parent educator allowed her the knowledge and flexibility to home educate her 2 daughters who are now successfully following their dreams as writer and computer software engineer. Natalie is known for living life on her terms and helping others live on their terms.

About Kalon Women
Kalon is a Greek word that means 'beautiful.' Kalon refers to the beauty that one finds on the inside. “We support women on their journey to discovering their own inner beauty. Most women's communities on the internet support women only in building a business, but we support women in building a life,” says Founder, CEO and Editor Sandra Levitin. The Kalon Women's website, magazine and radio show Kalon Women in Business provide resources and support for women to handle hot flashes and other symptoms of menopause, as well as help in dealing with aging parents; fashion and beauty tips; poetry; life stories; art; women's events; recipes; business tips; and much more. Visit >> Kalon Women